Tuesday, August 17, 2010

There is something about this chair that always gives me the desire to write. It's a green Lazyboy recliner (arguably the best all-around-comfort chair), and its capability to gently rock as it supports my neck, arms, and back makes me want to milk it for all it's worth. (Isn't it comical how weird sayings like that always manage to come to surface in writing? I wonder why...) I remember writing about David in this chair, and I also remember writing over Easter break in this chair. Today there is nothing specific I want to express, but still, the longing to write is pretty strong.

I suppose it could be because I am once again transitioning from this current stage of familiarity into something much more unknown. Summer is over, I move back tomorrow, and my natural instinct tells me that a reflection on these last 3 months is necessary. My mind already does this automatically, but actually writing it down is 'supposed, scientifically proven, expected, said to' help those thoughts really stick. So here goes. (I could also just be avoiding the daunting task of continuing to pack...but we'll disregard that half-thought and say that I just really, really, want to be deep right now).

Change has come to me in many forms this last year. I found out 2 weeks before school started that I'd be attending college in the fall, and that undoubtedly has been the catalyst for much, if not all, of the experiences I've had in the last 12 months. I entered as a girl who thought she had everything in control from her faith, to her confidence, to her relationships, and to her overall definition of 'herself.' God slowly shattered each of those facades, and putting the pieces back together since then has been the hardest, most uplifting, 'make-over' I have yet to experience. A main struggle I've had for awhile is the lie in comparing myself to others. Comparing leads to a lack of self-fulfillment, lack of worth, thus getting into insecurities and more. I haven't fully mastered it, I don't know if anyone ever could, but lessening it is definitely attainable. Being here now, I'm smiling, because I can now say with true confidence, (the kind that comes from the Savior Himself) that I am on that path of developing what Jesus wants me to do and who He wants me to be. I've heard it all my life, but truly surrendering to His will is so indescribable. It challenges you and makes you cry while simultaneously encourages you and makes you laugh. When you draw close to Him, surprise, He really will draw close to you. And to think we doubt and put it off for so long...

Going into another school year, I'll be frank. It can be a little scary. Same situations, new situations, same people, new people, same experiences, new experiences....I can't help but wonder where my growth will thrive and where it will be threatened. I talked with God about it this morning. He tells us to cast all our anxieties on Him because he cares for us in 1 Peter. What a great guy. Well I did, I told Him any and all (both pointless and significant) worries I had about going into a new year. The difference between how the conversation went today and how it went a few months back is pretty telling in itself. I can have some worries, fears, anxieties, because I'm a mere human who doesn't have everything figured out nor will I ever, but the cool thing about having them now is that they don't control me. They are not telling me what I can or cannot accomplish, nor are they saying who I am and who I am not. Instead they're pushing me closer to my Father, causing me to depend on Him all the more. I'm not worried about my worries anymore. Rather I'm going to embrace them and know that I'll be taken care of regardless. Why waste the energy on freaking out about them when He's already told me He's holding me in the palm of His hand? Good question. Let's remember the answer.

I'm young. I have a whole life ahead of me that I couldn't possibly sit down and figure out right now, no matter how much I would like to. We just can't. There have been too many reminders this last year that life is short, and so inevitably fleeting, so all I can commit to is one day at a time. I am so blessed, so happy, so excited that I've been given this gift called life, showered in grace, and that each day is an opportunity to give back a little to the God who gave up everything.

Here's to another year!  ...oh...and packing...shoot.

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