It's like I'm a dreamer caged by reality. I will allow myself to consider something incredibly plausible until it either becomes too real, or until one shadow of a doubt creeps in--and then it's over. My ideas become plagued by what-if's and no-way's and never's, which creates a constant itch for change but no actual remedy to stop it.
The dreams aren't necessarily big ones, either. I start thinking about food journalism and the idea of a food blog, I make it perfect in my head, but then I never follow through. I considered transferring schools so that I could be pushed in journalism seriously, but the second it became real I stopped the pursuit. I've always wanted to study abroad, but never thought it was possible without the option of a music program--and then I found a perfect one in Australia. Once disbelief and excuses claimed that idea, though, all that was left was an unfinished application and the realization that I am not taking charge of...well, of anything.
I thirst for adventure, but I always opt out of the risk involved. I only venture to a certain degree, and always maintain a specific amount of caution. I cannot think of one thing that I have thought of doing, and could have done, but didn't bail out before the cost became too high.
Not anymore, though. Ideas do have the potential to become fantasized dreams with no ounce of reality, and I am the first to admit I am guilty of that. But, ideas also have the extreme possibility to open up those doors that would have otherwise remained cracked if the risk hadn't been taken to see what was behind it. Maybe I explore a few doors and there is a cement wall immediately following it. Maybe a few others have a path that starts out promising, but ends up leading nowhere. But maybe, just maybe, there are a few doors that make the way towards the very real, tangible idea that had only been but a thought in my head beforehand. Either way though, experience is gained and lessons are learned.
Starting small, with just enough challenge, just enough risk, will probably be my first door. That might mean being vegan starting on the January 1st. Why? Because it's an idea for something different, for something that is hard enough that I have to be intentional about it, but simple enough that it is accomplishable. I would like to finish my Australia application, too. An application is just an application, and there is no reason to not tackle that first step. I'd also love to access creativity more. That means writing more, whether it's for me or for a blog. That means making a meal. It means arranging fresh flowers in a vase or making a handmade birthday card. It means loving every minute of the little things; the moments in creation that are often taken for granted.
It means having an idea, running with it, believing in it, and pursuing truth throughout the chase.
I think I will consider this a New Year's Resolution...or two or three.