Friday, January 29, 2010

Is that sun I see?

Oh dear, there is sun today. It is faint, and it is barely peeking through the big, fluffy clouds, but still- it is there, and it is lovely. I have missed the sun quite a bit. More than I realized until now. The second school started again, there has been rain, rain, and more rain. I don't believe I've ever seen so much rain! Subconsciously, I think it has been tampering with my moods as well. All of a sudden I would feel down or lonely for no particular reason, and I wouldn't be able to shake it off for anyone. It was so frustrating! I would get irked simply because I couldn't figure out the reason I felt irked to begin with, and it was just this cycle of madness! (Isn't irked a fun word?) Today though, today is good. It is a Friday, the sun is here, and I am shining right with it. Jeremi told me this week that every person needs a Sabbath day; a day of rest. He asked me if I had rested at all in the last two weeks. I realized I hadn't. I liked having the knowledge that maybe there was another reason for my not-so-stable mood swings- I just needed a day to relax! He is kind of good at helping me come to my senses.  So here I am, blogging, writing my thoughts out, sipping some Tazo tea, and enjoying the bits of sun that come through the window. I hope to be back again soon, because it feels so good when I get the chance to just sit and write.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Getting Dressed.

After spending the whole week in nothing but sweats and Hanes V-necks, I decided it was probably time to actually put on clothes. After being inspired once again by too many people's blogs, I fiddled through the piles of shirts, pants, and sweaters engulfing my bedroom floor and found a couple outfits.

cream sweater: forever 21
gray tank: target
guess jeans
necklace/belt: vintage
loafers: macy's
striped shirt: urban outfitters
yellow skirt: forever 21
gray boots: target

Dinner's Colors.

Dinner last night was too good to resist showing the rest of the world. I came downstairs and saw this mixture of butternut squash, potatoes, and pearl onions, and thought there was something so beautiful about how it was displayed.  Food can be pretty too! The chicken had a delicious garlic spread, and then we also made a spinanch and romaine salad with onions and oranges. It is an interesting combination, but together everything was absolutely mouth-watering. I hope there are leftovers...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Cuteness All Around Me.

I've been up all night poking and prodding into other people's public lives, wishing I had the artsy and creative, innovative nature they do. I suppose I could learn. I stumbled upon an adorable girl from Australia - her wedding pictures were on Once Wed, which I visit daily- and she has this blog called Rummey Bears, which is simply addicting to read once going. I also stumbled upon a girl named Elly who has a cozy, simple sense of fashion. I like finding these types of lifestyles and people because they inspire me, and inspiration usually does good for the soul.
Back in the real word,  school is starting again on Monday, and I will be moving in on Sunday afternoon. I am ready to get back into the swing of things, and have a steady schedule once again. (This last week I have taken the liberty of lounging in sweats and big shirts all day- literally all 24 hours of it.) In my downtime I've been attempting to finish up my piano piece- Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C# minor. It's a doozey, but it's for two pianos and four hands, so it will be fun to perform once finished!

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I LOVE POLYVORE. Search, create, love.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Rainy Days.

Rainy days are always good for something. It could be a movie, some hot chocolate, lounging all day, or reading a book. I don't know what it is about them. On this particular rainy day, I've done a lot without having to do a lot, all at the same time. I'm in sweats, yet I still did my hair and part of my make-up. I watched t.v., but not for an overwhelming amount of time. I ate two meals, (brunch= pumpkin bread and tangerine, late lunch=salami with cream cheese, pepporcinis, and crackers) but didn't indulge. It's been quite the productive day, but in a very low-key way. And that's my favorite kind of productiveness.

 I had a really good talk with Jeremi last night after that blog entry. I didn't realize that it had kind of put me in a funk- reliving all the events once more. He gently prodded me to talk, since I was being slightly distant and distracted. Finally I did. He just listened. He's really good at that. I told him how I hadn't really talked aloud about the aftermath of David's passing yet. How I felt like that by going on with life, involving myself with all my same habits and activities, that he would be forgotten and shoved aside. That left me between a rock and a hard place- either thinking 24/7 about how much I miss him, and ultimately being completely non-social, or disregarding him altogether, pushing him out of my thoughts, in order to maintain. Neither one was working, hence the blog entry, hence the funk. Jeremi told me that obviously forgetting him was the last thing I was going to let happen, since here I was, crying and talking about it. I laughed. I simply just said, "I just, feel like I can't go on living the same way after this. Something needs to change. Something this major can't happen, effect me, and then I go on being complacent still." I told him I wanted to start living with substance. Call it a New Years Resolution, sure, but it's in honor of David; a way that I can continue to remember him without mourning him. David helped me remember that time is fleeting. It is precious, fragile, and fleeting. I waste entirely too much of it, doing countless things that have no fulfilling factor to them- no substance. As this was coming to me during Jeremi and I's talk, I jotted down on scratch paper what I wanted to begin doing:
  • More Jesus
  • More Bible
  • More prayer
  • Less me; No me
  • Stop comparisons- stop focusing on what I see that I want in others and begin to develop what God sees in me, letting that be my confidence
  • No trashy television shows (i.e. Gossip Girl- major addicting, major waste)
  • Purity
  • Be a better friend, taking advantage of the friendships I have and cultivating them more

It's time to start living in a way that will produce results. Life is too short to let it slip by without putting some effort into it. The pursuit of holiness is the key to happiness.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tangible Progress.

I've returned for thoughts. Lots of thoughts that have remained unwritten, or really, not even fully thought about. Half-thoughts, I would say. Break has been interesting. Melancholy might be the best term for it. There have been really high highs, but really low lows. It's kind of a lot to process sometimes. And since no one reads this, I figure I can just type with abandon.
There was a really good friend I had when I was a sophomore in high school. His name was David Kennedy. He came to our youth group at the beginning of the school year, and he was the new kid. He befriended my brother and I, and would come over on Sundays after church to play video games and have dinner. He spent New Years Eve with us that year. We'd go to In-n-Out. I had this school-girl crush on him. After 6 months of him being in our lives, he disappeared. Left for the Navy to serve his country. Jeremy and I were pretty positive we wouldn't see him again. At the time, since I was convinced that I would marry this boy, like mere 15 year olds often think, I remember asking God why this cute boy came into my life if he was just going to leave. I said, "What's the point of having even met him? He just left."
Fast forward 2 years, and it's January 2009. Jeremy comes into my room, grave look upon his face, asking me if I heard what had happened to David. ", David David?" "Yes," he said, "David Kennedy." My heart all but stopped. My brother continued. "He needs a heart transplant. He's discharged in Hawaii. And he needs it now."

He became all we thought about. All we prayed about. I kept updated through a blog, David's Journey, checking it over, and over, and over again. I felt like I was there. He was changing my life, my faith, my attitude. His dedication and trust, his mother's love and support, it was all changing me. It was terrifying, but it was transforming me.
He technically died 4 different times. And came close to it hundreds of other times.
But March 11, 2009, he got a heart. Jesus was ever-faithful. 

Fast forward to December 2009. I get a random text from a random number. It's David, and he's coming to visit us over break. He can't wait. It's been 3 years. My brother and I are so excited. To see him, to witness the miracle in person, to just simply get to be with him again. 
He comes on a Monday.  December 21st. About 3 weeks ago. And oh my goodness, it is so good to see him. He is glowing. He is healthy, he is laughing, he is exactly the same. Perfect. It's hard to imagine a foot-long scar running down his chest beneath his shirt. It's hard to imagine the tubes that use to run from his neck, his arms, his heart. Jeremy and I spend the day with him, mostly them two though, playing video games like old times. When it's time for goodbye, I hug him. "Will I see you again over break? Yes, no, maybe?" He says, "Oh yes, for sure. Of course." "It was really good seeing you David. "Yes, it was so good seeing you too." And then I leave.

December 22, 2009- less than 24 hours later. Again, Jeremy comes downstairs. Again, his voice is low, his look is grave.
"I actually kind of have some really bad news." His voice is wavering. "David crashed. His body, at 4:30 a.m., it crashed. He's back at the hospital. He was airlifted to Stanford. He's in a coma."
Silence. Arms raised above my head. Distant tears. Mom: "No..nooo. No." Me: "I knew it. I knew we would see him and then something would happen." Can't cry. Not yet. It won't come.
Prayer. Talks. Prayer. Tears come. Flow..won't stop. Don't stop. Denial. Fear. Prayer. Jesus? David.

December 26th, 2009. David goes home to be with Jesus.
Tears come freely now. Overpowering. All-consuming. Disbelief. Sadness. Jesus? David? 20-year old, happy, recovered, David? Who we saw 5 days ago?

January 2, 2010. Memorial service is broadcasted on the blog. Tears. But this time, tears, and...peace. They sing "Amazing Grace." -"And grace will lead us home."

Personally, I've never dealt with death before. Death- just its name is morbid. It is an often feared, repressed, and disregarded thought. Until it happens. And then it is very real. It changes all perspective. It opens, but not without tearing first, the heart. The only comfort David's death brought me was the fact that he didn't die at all. He is very much so living, and he is with my Father, and his heart is perfect there. He is perfect, made new, and he is happy. Happier than I am, and I am happy. David taught me what it means to have faith. That faith takes effort, and strength, but most of all, surrender. Sacrifice. His life and his story reminded me how I should be living, and that truly truly, we are not guaranteed anything, especially tomorrow. I saw him for a whole day. That same night he was back on a hospital bed.
How's that for a wake-up call? I don't know why it happened. And so suddenly. But I do know God is Sovereign. God is Fatihful, too. He let us see David one last time. My mom said, "It was like he was coming to say goodbye."
I understand now. Why he came into my life. So that I would be one more person who was changed by his story. One more person whose life was changed. One more person who could pray for him and love him. And I will forever be thankful that I am able to say that David Kennedy was not only my friend, but my brother in Christ.
This break has been weird, for this reason, for all of this unexpected life stuff. I just miss him is all. I'm at peace though. David is at peace. I'm still in disbelief, but maybe peaceful disbelief isn't so bad. 
RIP David Allen Kennedy 04/18/1989-12/26/2009. We love you forever, and we can't wait to see you again.

A Day Filled with Treats

Today my long lost friend Tara visited, and being true to ourselves, we decided to be "cookerbakers." This was the name we coined for ourselves back in 8th grade. We ventured into the Cooking Light book that belongs to my mother, and we spotted two recipes that made our mouths water: "Ooey Gooey Peanut Butter Chocolate Brownies" and "Pumpkin Spice Bread." (Which I had wanted to make yesterday!) It was a fun day baking and catching up with Tara, and the treats we made turned out perfectly. Wa-La!

The ultimate goal!
And it was achieved!
Again, must be enjoyed with a glass of milk. :)
The quite large pumpkin loaf

Happy 2010

It's a new year, and with a new year comes many refreshed goals, ideas, and hopes. I'd like to get this blog somewhat up and going, although I'm not sure what to do with it or how to go about it. It'll be a project for me to work on. :) Tonight I had the desire to practice being domestic, since I am a matured-cultured-female-college student now. I went on the hunt for a recipe, with pumpkin or banana bread on the mind, or stomach rather, and I found a banana coconut chocolate chip bread recipe- bon appetite! It turned out delicious, especially with a cold glass of milk. :)