this semester:
learn to apply schoolwork to life and the big picture; retain the information, and take advantage of it

be super diligent in piano practice. that 12-page contemporary piece is not going to learn itself...

make sure to experience everything to its fullest

and of course, keep on delving into that lovely relationship that demands all attention and focus: the Lord

And, in the words of the wise Billy Madison,

Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

 

My life motto

Break is so long. I'm ready to get back to friends and adventures. Two days home from Seattle and already I am a bored wreck. I am embracing my messy hair though. Vacation=no need to shower everyday=glorious.

Looking forward to this weekend though! I'm finally going to make it up to Rocklin for Metro, thank you Jesus. And hopefully I can squeeze in a reunion with the gym too...if so, that will deserve a Hallelujah, thank you Jesus. Amen.

California, oh California, I am so sad to be acquainted with you again after spending 4 unbelievable days in Seattle. Let's be frank; you just can't compete with that clean, crisp air, the hustle and bustle of the city, and the ability to view all things beautiful in a mere 360° head turn—water, mountain, city, and country. Yes, Seattle is all that and more. I like you still, (since I have to, since I live here) but don't be alarmed or hurt if I leave you in the future. Love, me.

The flight was a piece of cake too, so I guess I can almost qualify myself as a world-class traveler, and I suppose this means I will be able to get back on a plane going somewhere more than 2 hours away. Good news all around, folks.

Okay but truthfully! Seattle was an absolute experience. (I sense a theme for 2011...) I fell in love. Seattle is the cleaner, nicer, classier, better version of San Francisco. I still love SF, but Seattle is just so much more beautiful. The air quality alone could win me over. It is so...breathable. New Year's Eve was the perfect time to go, too. The environment was unreal. There was enough people to feel this incredible surge of anxious, excited energy, but not so many that it was overwhelming and became undesirable (which is how I often feel in places like downtown Sac on a busy night or driving in SF). That day we walked everywhere, seeing Pike's Place Market, sipping some coffee from the Original Starbucks, (unfortunately it tastes the same) visiting the infamous 'gum wall,' and then heading to the Space Needle at night for the fireworks show! That was incredible. Beforehand we had time to kill, so inside at the Seattle Center there were tons and tons of people staying out of the cold, dancing to the live band's music, and simply enjoying the wait for the countdown! I love dancing and live bands that play hokey rock music and MJ.

The next couple days were spent in Seattle as well, where we went to the Experience Music Project Museum, which had a feature on Jimi Hendrix (much to the boys' amusement and uncontrollable joy). We went to this great swing-dancing place the second night, which was insanely fun and only cost $5, and then the next day Matt's parents took us around to sight-see! It was the absolute perfect trip, with great friends, so many laughs, and many new memories. All of my favorite things.

And now (in conjunction with some conversations I've been having about my future this last month) I am getting excited about looking into writing as a career option—possibly writing for a magazine, such as Seattle Magazine or wherever. They offer internships and I am definitely thinking about applying. To be in a city, writing, observing, interviewing, learning, eating...(food writer, anyone?) sounds right up my alley and is really quite realistic! Better start blogging more to practice ;)

Happy New Year everyone!!! Hope your breaks are treating you well.

ps I apologize for all the slightly blurry and not-too-fancy photos! They all hail from my phone's camera.

I had the most amazing day! I was able to go to the de young Museum in San Francisco to see the Impressionistic and Post-Impressionistic art exhibit! Which included Van Gogh, Monet, Gauguin, Rousseau, and so many others! It was beautiful. I spent hours soaking everything in, and took way too long trying to figure out what I wanted at the gift store. We (Nathan, and Caitlin and her family) also stopped beforehand at the Bay Street Mall and had some delicious, healthy, cheap food at ASkew, a dining choice I highly recommend. I had a chicken-lime skewer over baby greens plus a cup of butternut squash soup. Afterward we stopped at a teacake shop and got some sweet treats (I chose the lemon-buttermilk cupcake) as well as, of course, coffee. It was such a wonderful day.

Experiences, I am learning, are everything. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to see. This was only my second time going to a museum, and my first time going to an art museum. I can't believe I was able to see original paintings from all these Impressionist artists! Paintings that are worth unimaginable amounts and paintings that have traveled the world! I couldn't get enough of all of it. The atmosphere added to the whole experience as well. It was really busy today, and thus many people were packed into the showrooms; but it was a silent kind of busy, or at least relatively silent. Everyone just sort of shifts along together, almost like a dance. Some people are discussing the art, others are listening to the history of it through the audio-tours, and others are doing both. These experiences are exactly what I love. The history, the masterpieces, the people, the appreciation. I love day trips like today, especially unexpected ones. I realized today that the last 3 times I've been to the city have been on whimsical, spur of the moment occasions, and all within the last couple months. First, seeing the opera Madama Butterfly, then going to the Brooke Fraser show, and now visiting the de young Museum.

I honestly cannot WAIT for my trip to Seattle. (It'll be another 'first,' and I'm going for New Years!!) Another realm of experiences is going to be opened up, and I just hope it is the small start of many to come. (Flying on a plane for the first time in 4 years, and having the flight be over one hour is an experience in itself...especially in 'snow' weather...especially when I am not friends with flying...) This is obviously something I will have to overcome since I am attempting to see the world in my lifetime.

Goodnight everyone! Hope your Christmases were blessed.

Self-absorption is my middle name
it's my worst enemy and my best friend
I hold onto it and it holds onto me
and we wrestle and dance and we can't be free

I'm a clock that's ticking
on a watch that's not mine
but I live for me as if I have all the time
in the world;
but I don't.

Caring is action and words are empty without it
yet I condemn those who are stagnant
while staying motionless myself,
getting wrapped up in I's and me's
getting locked between my own knees
until I fall and someone else trips
because I'm not watching
and now my immobility and mess
has caused them to digress
too.

Living on praise is as natural as breathing
oh I'm so great, you think so too?
Tell me more tell me more
Empty phrases lining the shore
of my life and I welcome them
as though they define me.
Being liked is easy and loved even easier
but if there is no depth behind it
how much does it matter?

I am a floater on the ocean of people's compliments
bobbing up and down
swaying from side to side
until a new wave picks me up
and I ride it to see where it will take me
and what it will give me.
If it leads me off-course
then I'd rather drown
because having to accept a fault
means having to let go of the crown.

It is me, me, me
all the time
every day
and it is gross and defiling
and leads so many astray.

Cause and effect have both action and reaction
I am not the only human living
I am merely a speck in the multitude.
Refocus your focus so you are no longer in view
say goodbye, self-serving Queen,
nasty and mean
cold and unseen
I bid you adieu

There have been few times in my life when I am completely silenced and overcome by the reality of the fleetingness of this world. The first time was when I heard about David; all those countless moments when all I could do was be on my knees in prayer. And then when I knew he had gone to be with our Father, just feeling that overwhelming heaviness of knowing this Earth is not our home.

This same feeling was replicated yesterday, along with shock and an uncontrollable swell of emotion. As we were driving to my aunt's for Thanksgiving, I checked Facebook on my phone only to see several posts from close friends giving their condolences to our brother in Christ at Jessup, Justin Woodard. My heart started beating so fast as my mind tried to figure out what was going on. He was in a fatal car accident the night before Thanksgiving, and that is all I know. I couldn't stop the tears at the point.

I was not one of Justin's closest friends. I did not know Justin's life story in depth. But this is the thing about Justin---you didn't have to know his life story to know his life. Justin had a heart, literally, that radiated the love of Christ. He cared for every person that he was in contact with. I remember when he would come and do rounds in our wing, and each and every time he walked in our door, he would sit on the couch and talk with whomever happened to be in the wing. I had the absolute privilege of sharing a few conversations with him this year, and I am eternally grateful for those. His sincerity was beautiful, and I always left our conversations feeling like we had just talked about something really deep and meaningful, even if we had simply discussing trivial things like open dorm hours (haha!). He was so passionate about being a disciple for God. It is so hard, this life. We cannot understand why 20 and 25 year old people are taken so early to be Home. But we can rest easy knowing that they are indeed Home. David and Justin are together now, and with Jesus, and I really can't help but smile at that. I think they are friends up there, and they are so happy.

I don't think our campus has had a loss like this before. Going back to school is going to be met by a lot of heavy hearts and a huge piece of Jessup missing; Justin. He was actually involved in everything; security, the cafeteria, leadership...all of it. What is so cool, though, is that the Jessup community really is a family. Whether or not we all know each other very well, we just, we are all connected. And this will only bring us all closer. I have never seen so many young people talk about this hard concept of death and handle it with so much peace. We all know that Justin, as I saw one girl put it, "beat us home." We all know that he is where we too will be one day, and that place is where we belong. Justin is with our God! With our Father! Our Savior! That is beautiful. Justin has just reminded a lot of people to be so grateful in every circumstance, because we just don't know what the day brings. Our time here is too short to spend one second of it not being thankful. Justin did His Father proud, so, so proud. :)

To the Woodard family, to his closest friends, to the Jessup community, to all who are feeling this loss; may you find rest and comfort in the Lord, knowing that Justin is right beside Him.

We love you Justin.

I'm gonna miss that oranges Reeses shirt, by the way. Represent up there big man. <3

 I have tried to write on my occurrences of nostalgia a few different times, but just now is it finally flowing freely.

I am so thankful. I am thankful for a heart that has been kissed with healing by my Savior. This season was very different for me last year. I was smitten, new to college, on the brink of growth, and so blissfully naive. My memories of this time last year are inevitable. What I am grateful for, though, is that I can sit here, in this moment, and welcome them with a smile. I cannot express how wonderful it feels to feel peace in how everything has played out. It is an absolute blessing to hold no bitterness, hold no anger, hold no resentment. These waves of nostalgia still seem so close; I can still remember so many of my thoughts and feelings, and of course, my heart still feels them too, but they are not being suffocated by hurt, and that is truly something to thank my Almighty Protector for. There is still healing, and there will probably be mini-hurdles to jump in the future, but right now, tonight, I can remember my year, my summer, and just be thankful for it.

Love is weird because it is supposed to be what awakens us and makes us feel alive. It is believed to be the ultimate power that can heal anything. "If you love each other, that's all that matters." But this really isn't the case. At least, not this type of love. True love does drive out fear, but that love only comes from Christ. And this other love, the one we experiment with as we grow older, is conflicting because at the same time that it does awaken us, it also holds us captive. We give our hearts over to so many things that we have no control over, and when that happens, there is potential for hurt. I am open with the fact that I was hurt, but I will be more open with the fact that this hurt has spurred me on to grow into someone I am proud of, not scared or ashamed or insecure of, and I think the same has happened on the other end. Love is going to come and go when it is not the love that God has planned for you. And that is hard, there is no saying that is not hard. The part that matters, though, is what you do when you lose that love---when you lose that one part of your heart you thought you had locked tight but also worried would somehow get broken. I don't know what it looks like individually, but I just know that I am grateful for such a hard year of wrestling with identities when the final product is being where I am now. I will always cherish that first trial of love, and I will always look back with favor and peace, knowing that it was one more part of my life that grew me into the woman Christ is yearning for me to be.

Be healed, be thankful, be open for what is to come. He is holding us still.

Ps. Those are some pictures from Fall Tour :)