Up until recently, I never understood it. I never understood how writing could be daunting. Writing frees the mind and expresses what we're passionate about. Something magical happens when words flow, and have a rhythm, and come to life. It's an extremely personal process.

When I heard an accomplished writer say, "Writers will do everything they can to avoid sitting down and writing," I remember being confused. The thought of a writer who didn't want to write seemed a little pointless. Maybe this accomplished writer wasn't so accomplished after all.

But during my Journalism class last semester, it suddenly made sense: I never write on deadline, and no one else has to read what I write. I write on my own time. I write when I feel like it. And as we can see from the gap between last entry and this one, "when I feel like it" isn't very often.

It took me so long to get words on paper during my class that I didn't turn in a single story until the last week of school. We only had to write two stories for the whole semester---two feature stories at that! Features are coveted plots in Journalism real estate. But I just couldn't write.

Maybe it was because I knew it would take hours. I knew it would take hours to get one sentence. And I knew the sight of that stupid, blinking cursor would mock me until I got something out. But I just couldn't do it.

Instead, I did everything I could to avoid sitting down and writing---exactly like that accomplished writer said. I busied myself with other tasks, overcommitted to other papers and homework assignments, and did anything to distract myself from turning in a story.

It worked until the last week, too, before I had no other choice. I remember making an iced latte, heading outside with my laptop, and determining I'd stay until the article was finished. And I did it. After a few hours of writing and deleting, writing and deleting, I had an story that I was proud of.

And it was in that moment that I felt like an accomplished writer. It was in that moment that I flashed back to memories of high school Journalism, and co-editing our yearbook, and writing all the time, and remembered how much I love the process even though I also hate it.

I think every writer has to hit that sobering moment, too. It's because writing is so personal that it's so daunting. Turning in a story to your professor (editor) is like turning in a part of your soul. You've just spent hours writing and revising and being mocked by the cursor and sweating over each sentence and in an instant, that professor (editor) has the power to do whatever he wills with it. He could hate it and tell you to start all over again. (This has happened, does happen, and will continue to happen). He could think it's okay overall, but then take out the one part you thought was so good. Or, he could love it. But even if he does, there is always something that can be tweaked. Definitely daunting.

Like everything, though, writing is a process. And arguably, it's one of the most beautiful processes. The feeling I have after I write is like the feeling I have after a good piano performance. There is so much anticipation and hard work that goes into the process, and the process' entire fate rests in a few short moments. But once it's over---once the cursor has stopped blinking and once the last chord has struck---it's indescribable.

The love I have for writing is one of the most concrete passions within me. It's why I am only an English major now (and graduating in one semester), and why I really want to pursue Journalism as a career. The idea of de-cluttering sentences and reorganizing their structures excites me. If that isn't a clue that this whole writing thing isn't just something I do "when I feel like it," then I don't know what is. 

Finding joy in the little things is the best.

This last week was insane

in

the

membrane.

But I loved every minute of it.

It helps that my classes this semester are rocking my world, and that by the time 80 minutes has passed, I haven't even batted an eyelash at the seemingly magnetic clock in the back of the room.

It helps that teaching kids how to swim is something I love more and more every day, and I am in fact at the pool, every single day. (Let me say, though, that I wholeheartedly look forward to the time in my life where chlorine will no longer be my natural perfume).

It also helps that this week the music department went through yet another CD recording, and it was by far the most enjoyable one to date. It reminded me how beautifully rewarding it is to put your heart and soul into something; to go from classes, to work, straight to recording for 4 hours, but still go to bed with a smile on your face. Exhaustion definitely threatened to take over mid-week, but even then, the smallest conversation, the smallest shoulder-squeeze (unplanned alliteration!) by the person standing next to you..it all just exemplified the tangible strength and love of Christ. This year was unlike years past for that reason.

Plus we just had fun. Yoga competitions...pizookies for 90, (well, 89...my now-vegan taste buds were
jealous for half a second, but then I just ate my salad) sopranos singing to the altos, tenors in (short) robes, hairy chests/legs and all...it's all these little things that come together (!!!! that is totally a choir song, completely unintended) to make something bigger than just the task we set out to do. It's incredible to see how far it has all come.

Every semester brings with it a new challenge, or a new mindset, or an evolving goal, and although my track record with Spring semesters in the past hasn't been the best, there is something about this one that is sweetening any leftover bitterness I have towards the second half of the year.

It's often in busyness that the (good) little things become the (good) big things, and its in those moments we are lead into humility and thankfulness, which is exactly where I sit tonight.

Happy (almost) Superbowl Sunday!

Deep down, we all want to be great.

Granted, greatness is relative, but for each, personal, definition that "great" holds, there is a part inside of us that wants to achieve it.

Sometimes the pursuit for greatness is unintentional. We will gradually begin morphing our ideas, our values, and our dreams into one collective mindset that equals greatness, and it becomes who we are. It shapes us, and we may not even realize it.

Other times the pursuit is very intentional. We work our butts off to be great, and we know we're doing so. We put all of our efforts, our blood, sweat, and tears, into the one thing we believe will give us greatness; satisfaction.

That's the thing, too. We desire greatness because it gives satisfaction. It gives us a satisfaction in ourselves and our work--we accomplished something, we became something, we reached something.

In essence, none of this is a problem, either. It is good to have goals and it is good to achieve them. It is good to be pushed towards something more. But sometimes I wonder why we all do the things that we do. Even as I write this, I want it to be great.

We want our stories to be great. We want the experiences we share, the memories we make, the words we compose, to all be great. We begin to seek the approval of men in what we do, and based off that approval, or lack there of, the idea we have of what it means to be great transforms a little bit more.

I'm not even too sure what my point in all of this is, except that it's something I've been thinking about. I want to know that balance between who I am and who I still want to become. But I don't, under any circumstances, want it to be a selfish pursuit for what I believe is going to make me great.

I don't want to see someone else and their life and wish it was my own. I don't want to wonder why I am not a certain way or why the things that make me uncomfortable, make me uncomfortable. The reason we become insecure in who we are and the things we do, is because we begin to compare ourselves to people and lifestyles that, internally, we deem greater than our own.

That is a place where we will go to war every day if we allow it. It comes down to Who defines us and what defines us. I want to live a life worthy of the calling I have received--not the person next to me. God is the Great I AM, and I would like to become great in His eyes, not the world's.

Greatness to me is having the ability to let love in your life and give it back. It is living wholly and authentically, it is letting the relationships you have with people reach a place of depth. It is believing in, trusting with, and pushing forth the ones we care about; pushing them towards a greatness that far exceeds the world's standard. It is a taking the time to have a conversation, and it is absolutely taking the time to listen. It is believing that every moment, and every encounter, holds significance, and thus taking advantage of that.

Be great. But be great in the ways that greatness isn't usually defined.

I have concluded that I'm an idea person. But not the good kind, where ideas lead to plans and plans lead to action. No-- I get an idea in my head, idealize it to death, and then rid myself of it. It is a terrible habit, and it gets in the way of so many opportunities that are just begging me to grab hold of them.

It's like I'm a dreamer caged by reality. I will allow myself to consider something incredibly plausible until it either becomes too real, or until one shadow of a doubt creeps in--and then it's over. My ideas become plagued by what-if's and no-way's and never's, which creates a constant itch for change but no actual remedy to stop it.

The dreams aren't necessarily big ones, either. I start thinking about food journalism and the idea of a food blog, I make it perfect in my head, but then I never follow through. I considered transferring schools so that I could be pushed in journalism seriously, but the second it became real I stopped the pursuit. I've always wanted to study abroad, but never thought it was possible without the option of a music program--and then I found a perfect one in Australia. Once disbelief and excuses claimed that idea, though, all that was left was an unfinished application and the realization that I am not taking charge of...well, of anything.

I thirst for adventure, but I always opt out of the risk involved. I only venture to a certain degree, and always maintain a specific amount of caution. I cannot think of one thing that I have thought of doing, and could have done, but didn't bail out before the cost became too high.

Not anymore, though. Ideas do have the potential to become fantasized dreams with no ounce of reality, and I am the first to admit I am guilty of that. But, ideas also have the extreme possibility to open up those doors that would have otherwise remained cracked if the risk hadn't been taken to see what was behind it. Maybe I explore a few doors and there is a cement wall immediately following it. Maybe a few others have a path that starts out promising, but ends up leading nowhere. But maybe, just maybe, there are a few doors that make the way towards the very real, tangible idea that had only been but a thought in my head beforehand. Either way though, experience is gained and lessons are learned.

Starting small, with just enough challenge, just enough risk, will probably be my first door. That might mean being vegan starting on the January 1st. Why? Because it's an idea for something different, for something that is hard enough that I have to be intentional about it, but simple enough that it is accomplishable. I would like to finish my Australia application, too. An application is just an application, and there is no reason to not tackle that first step. I'd also love to access creativity more. That means writing more, whether it's for me or for a blog. That means making a meal. It means arranging fresh flowers in a vase or making a handmade birthday card. It means loving every minute of the little things; the moments in creation that are often taken for granted.

It means having an idea, running with it, believing in it, and pursuing truth throughout the chase.

I think I will consider this a New Year's Resolution...or two or three. 

one day soon, these fears will be put to rest
extinguished like a fire
put out like time-out
killed like a pesky fly.
I only pray it happens before he comes--
before I know he is coming
so that in You this heart may be blessed.

the mind knows it is irrational to question
stupid to doubt
not of You to buy the lie,
because Your love is always enough
always abounding
always true
no exceptions.

it is a process, though
and for that there is grace
everlasting
but let the process be progressive rather than
digressive
clearing rather than
clouding
and securing rather than
breaking.


A heart is fragile and unable to be controlled
but You are greater
than our hearts
more powerful
than emotions
bigger than
past bruises and scrapes.

In You alone, I find rest
In You alone there is peace
"When the battle rages
for all that I am
You hold my future
in the palm of Your hand."

I am choosing to surrender that which gives me life,
for it is only given when it is lost
and since You have already paid the cost
I am trusting your plan over
mine.

"Send me your light and your faithful care,
   let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
   to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then I will go to the altar of God,
   to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the lyre,
   O God, my God.
 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God" --Psalm 43:3-5

 In wandering, there is blessing.

We all go through periods of wandering, and in regards to faith, it might be something we feel as though we know a little too well. It comes at different times, and we usually try to avoid it like the plague, but inevitably, wandering happens because life happens.

Life happened for me in these last six months. I had been seeking the Lord with all that I was for quite awhile, but when my plans still weren't panning out, when my circumstances still seemed like one question mark after the other, I became directionless and quite frankly, exhausted.

So often, my relationship with the Lord is based off feelings. It is one of the trickiest traps we can fall into. But I fell and I fell hard, and even though I was trying to seek Him throughout those dry months of summer, I wasn't feeling Him so I continued to wrestle with Him.

Two weeks ago, though, Jesus performed the most tangible act of grace that my young faith has yet to experience. It not only flipped the flickering switch of my heart back on, but also reminded me of how phenomenal and real our God is.

I prayed that Saturday morning after I found out I didn't have to work, telling Jesus that I didn't know where we were currently at. I told Him I needed to be refreshed in a new way, in a way that would wake me up and remind me of His goodness and His realness. He takes me on this hike that tons of Jessup students went on, and brings me head on into a situation where nothing but His power, His knowledge, and His peace could have brought me through.

My lifeguard training was suddenly being put to use, to care for a stranger that had gone down a steep waterfall, completely slicing both his forehead open as well as the right side of his stomach. He was in pain, he was bleeding profusely, and for two hours I was the primary responder that had to anticipate what was going to happen next. I was going for a day of sunshine and friends, but instead I was at the bottom of a canyon, potentially holding a man's life in my own two hands.

You're told in training that adrenaline kicks in; you might get really shaky, you might panic, you might have an emotional breakdown during and after. These things never came into full fruition for me though. Jesus kept me calm throughout all of it; weirdly calm. I have never been in an emergency situation period, much less been the person controlling one. Yet I knew exactly what I needed to do, even though I had only been trained months earlier. I had the confidence to stick with my gut when others tried to call the shots, I had the empathy to be with that man with my words, keeping him stable, talking with him to distract him from the pain. I had all of those things though, because of the Holy Spirit's divine power in me. It is the craziest thing that has ever happened in my life, and I can't stress enough the timing of it in relation to my walk with the Lord and the way He used that day to glorify Him.

He showed me His realness that day. He proved to me, even though He doesn't have to and shouldn't need to, that He is here and He is living and He is intricately involved in my life. In all of our lives.

That's grace, you guys. That is phenomenal, divine grace. Jesus put me in a situation that He had been preparing me for since I got that job, knowing I'd be there that day, knowing I'd be in a time of wandering with Him, knowing that it would wake me back up and ultimately bring Him every ounce of the glory.


It blows my mind all over again to write it out, even though I have processed that day out loud already so many times.

I know this is a novel, but I encourage you; let wandering bring you to the feet of the living Jesus, and be ready for that moment in which He reveals the work He has been doing in midst of our humanness and unawareness.

PS, look at the poem I wrote on the entry for Sept. 3. This all happened the next day. Jesus is so real.

There is nothing like a beautiful, Friday afternoon to yourself. I came back today to an empty apartment, which normally I wouldn't like, but for a few hours tonight, it was so perfect, and so needed. I put on my sweats, whipped out ingredients for this delicious toasted barley salad with caramelized corn, zucchini, and tomato, and listened to the lovely music of Bon Iver. The window was cracked in the kitchen, sun pouring in, and the slight breeze was enough to make my soul overflow from happiness.

The salad was even more flavorful than I could have imagined. All the produce was seasonal, fresh, and organic, thanks to the amazing Living Social deal I scored. (I got $20 worth of Whole Foods groceries for only $10! Did anyone else get it? It was practically a steal.)

I used red corn and yellow corn, and summer squash along with the zucchini. The dressing makes the salad-- lemon juice emulsified by olive oil, with pepper, fresh basil, and garlic. Honestly to die for. I paired the salad with organic chicken breasts seasoned with lemon pepper, black pepper, lemon juice, and some dry basil. It was the perfect combination and made for a very fulfilling, satisfying meal.

In a perfect world, I would have an actual camera to take an actual picture that could actually display the detail and colors of the meal, but until money grows on trees, I will continue to use my phone. (Which kills me by the way, really kills me).

I'll be heading home after work tomorrow to get in some productivity alongside some relaxation, so rest-assured, I will be posting again very soon!

Happy weekend!

Together, we are a struggle and a Victory
a battlefield and a Shelter
a question and an Answer.
You’re consistent and I’m consistent
and sometimes that makes our
relationship hard.

I love You but can’t always show it
don’t always show it
won’t always show it
yet somehow You are able to love me back
unconditionally
fervently...
painfully.


I don’t know why You do it.
Why do You keep doing it?
Sometimes I wish You wouldn’t
because the fact that You will always be here
just always, forever, be here,
can be hard to understand
especially when it’s true.

It makes zero sense
when I know the pages of my heart
are riddled with black spots and tears
and big gaping holes that at times seem impossible
to fill.

It’s just that its thirsty for something
but doesn’t know how to quench it;
so it grabs onto everything but You
and is surprised when it doesn’t fulfill.
It should know better by now,
but the missing piece remains
and its directionless
body is leaving a stain.

I don’t really get You sometimes
I hope it’s okay that I may never get it
but I want to trust enough to know that
You are real and You are good
and dryness is okay because dryness is life.

You aren’t in the business of substituting
trials for joy
dead fruit for new fruit
patience for deliverance;
no, Your goal is to work with me through it
wrestle alongside of me
push me to believe in You,
because You believe in me.

Loving You is hard and not feeling You harder
because all I really want is
to talk with You for hours
and hear You say my name
and be hugged when I cry
and gently pushed when I’m scared
but since Your love calls me to faith
I will try to understand that
by choosing to do life with You.
One day those things will be true
and never again
will Love
be something that is
hard
or confusing
or questioned
but rather
natural
and instinctive
and perfected.

Perfected.

I will wait for You there, Jesus.

 

Hello my dear friends!

I realize I'm sneaking this post in last-minute, (and by that, I mean right before the month ends) but that seems to be my pattern anyway.

Hopefully that habit will be changing soon, though, because I have much more serious goals concerning my blogging life!

As most of you know, throughout this last year I have really begun pinning down where my passions lie, and what that means as I start pursuing a career for after college. Writing has always been a strong-suit for me, yet after doing Journalism pretty seriously in high-school, I thought I had closed the door on that part of my "writing journey." I started this blog about a year-and-a-half ago, mostly for fun, but since then I have seen and learned so many things about the world, myself, and my love for the written-word!

Alongside writing, there is another passion that has overtaken me. Growing up, my mom has always been an absolute master in the kitchen. To this day, she sits down every Thursday night and goes through a binder (thicker than most of my college textbooks, I might add) to fish through recipes she's collected over the years for meals to make throughout the week. She's always been a healthy cook, too, but especially so in these last four or five years. She receives a "farmer-box" (formally called CSA for Community Supported Agriculture) every week, uses only (mostly) Cooking Light recipes, and all-around knows how to create not only food, but meals.

As a little girl, the fact that my mom made dinner for the entire family after teaching all day long was simply part of my life. Every day we would ask her, "Mom, what's for dinner?" because we always knew it would be something homemade! It wasn't until I hit college (stereotypical, I know) that I really discovered the appreciation I had for my mom's cooking, and thus how it triggered the immense love for food I have within me as well. (It was going to kick-in at some point, the genes for phenomenal cooks run too strong on both my mom and dad's sides).

Finally, then, this last year I began putting two-and-two together: I love to write, and I love food...what can I do with that? Bingo! The answer came and the dream began: I wanted to write about food. I wanted to go anywhere and everywhere, tasting my way around the world, around a city, around a kitchen, and write about what I learned. (Because let me tell you, there is a LOT you can learn from food). This summer I toured Sacramento Magazine, had an amazing interview with the editorial editor, and learned what it was like to really be in that profession. I left the conversation feeling more sure and more excited than I ever had about anything else I had pursued.

Earlier this week, I received a phone call from that same editor, telling me she had remembered how I mentioned I wanted to be a food-writer, and that had talked with their food critic about me. The food critic said she would love to chat with me, and all over again I felt that surge of joy--I had wanted to see the magazine's office to make a relationship, gain some information, and simply become educated before I let my ideals run wild. Getting that phone call was one more affirmation, almost, that yes, this is something I am meant to pursue.

Now I am waiting for a reply for when I can meet with her, and there I will again to make a connection with someone, (someone who happens to be doing the exact job I am interested in) and be able to learn even MORE about what writing, and food, and people mean to her and how she applies that into a career.

That being said, I am going to be starting a food blog alongside this blog, in which I will probably infuse some aspects of this blog into the food one. I am still researching it, wanting to get a good solid start before I jump in, but be ready, because it is coming and it will be something I take seriously!

Lastly I just want to thank all of you. I don't really know who reads this, and whether it is all the time or just a pop-in every once in awhile, but I feel your support regardless. I have processed on this blog, shared, learned, and more, and you have been with me every step of the way!

Here's to, yet again, another chapter. :)

 These last few weeks of summer have been filled with laughter, encouraging conversations, adventures, and reminders. I am so thankful for the close friends Jesus has given me; they are all different, but each add something so sweet and special to my life. I would be nowhere without them.

Here's to the (tear) last week (and a half) of (my) summer!

 

Nathan and Caitlin already celebrate their one month anniversary tomorrow! It was such a beautiful wedding. So beautiful that they are being featured in a bridal magazine. Only those two, only those two. If you haven't had the chance to see the photos, follow this link and enter "cnw" as the password! There are a million pictures. And yes, I did look at every single one.

I have been loving summer as of late. Swim lessons are so much fun for me, and even though my job can be scary and intimidating at times, (that would be lifeguarding-wise, of course) it has grown me in so many ways. Between getting to know adorable little kids and seeing their progress as swimmers, bonding with staff members, improving my lifeguarding skills, and turning 10 shades darker, (no exaggeration) I have really grown to love all of it! Plus, I've discovered how much I like working with kids! I never knew!

The Lord has also been so faithful. He is always faithful, but when I become vulnerable to the world I stop seeing just how faithful. Slowly but surely, He has truly been helping me achieve a genuine joy and confidence that is of Him and His spirit; not of this world, and not of my flesh. I am learning not to live season to season, but rather take my relationship with the Lord and thus my relationships with others one literal minute at the time. I went to Metro community groups last night for the first time since winter...and what a blessing. Convicted, challenged, encouraged, uplifted. It was a beautiful reminder to sit among believers and realize that we are all humans with worries and struggles, but as a body of Christ, we can persevere and pursue righteousness and hope and truth together. The Lord didn't intend for us to go through life alone, and I am so grateful to be doing life with Him and those who love Him. [Corporate] fellowship is something, quite shockingly, I have let slip completely, and last night was the perfect wake-up call to be involved once again!

I hope your summers are going so well, even if there have been those moments where direction is not present and life seems like it is one question mark after the other. I encourage you to surround yourself with believers who will wrestle and grow through life with you, because it becomes such a beautiful mess once experienced.

Happy Monday!

OH! Huge ps! I am going to Sacramento Magazine tomorrow to receive a tour and interview time with the editorial editor. I get to ask questions, wrack her brain, see what this whole magazine world is really like, and hopefully open the door to a potential place of volunteer work or internship. Exactly what I have wanted to discover more since Christmas break when I decided journalism might be the route I once again want to travel down. :) God is so good!

Crossroads. They happen so often. Some are minor, others major, but no matter what, they involve a decision that at the time seems to carry the weight of the world with it. When we were little, our biggest decisions were as simple as whether we were going to get a hot lunch or bring a cold lunch, or whether we wanted to play on the bars at recess or tackle a game of four-square. As we get older, though, it seems that these crossroads happen much more frequently, and the path we have to cross only gets larger. Decisions have more consequences, both good and bad, and those decisions no longer only effect the immediate context; they effect the bigger picture that is, essentially, our life. 



The summer months always seem to bring these decisions, too. Thoughts about the future attack our minds, disorganizing the nicely, previously compartmentalized thoughts that we stored away during the school year when we 'didn't have time to think about them.' Now, though, our purpose goes beyond our schoolwork, beyond our classes, and I think that in some of us, like myself, we temporarily lose a piece of the identity that has been shaping us for so long. We are students, and we have been for 15 years, but when summer hits, it's like our thoughts are cut loose to explore all those areas we ban from the months of August to May. For three months we are not students, and our lives do not revolve around deadlines and events and classes. We get a small dose of the real world before we go back to a comfortable routine that is so engrained within us, it's almost like culture-shock when we don't have it.

My thoughts have been world-travelers since school ended. They've taken me to a crossroads where I must choose what I really, truly want to pursue in my education, and if that means I must make a decision I can't even fully process yet. They've led me to ponder why I chose to do what I'm doing this summer, when essentially I was not ready (that has been my not-so-small dose of the real world). They've had me redefining what family means as I grow older, and what it looks like to cultivate those transforming relationships. They’ve had me up, down, and around every nook and cranny of my mind, reminding me that they want attention, too.



The crossroads we encounter are usually blessings, but they so often appear as curses first. As time goes on though, it is the decisions we make at those crossroads that help shape us into who we are. Right now, I feel as though I have been in a huge transition, although I don’t really know what I am transitioning from nor transitioning to. I have been wracking my mind all summer trying to figure it out, to find some direction, but all that ends up doing is leading me to ten different crossroads of thought, when I am only supposed to be approaching them one at a time.

If there is one lesson I am being taught, it is that decisions and choices and change are all disciplines that require some trial and error. Whether the Lord has me cross a particular path before I feel I am ready (which actually means I am ready, but just scared) or He has me wait patiently while he prepares me to cross, I ultimately need to learn to give it up one thought, one action, and one road at a time.


(Wedding-Dinkey Creek photos/post to follow) :)

 I love this color palette. So summery, so simple, so classic. Too bad the weather is hindering me from emulating any of these outfits! Thunderstorms, lightning, tornado warnings...it's been an eventful week for us normally-spoiled Californians.

These conditions have been one more item on the list of my more-unusual-start-to-summer. I didn't move home, I'm living in an apartment I can't really afford yet, and I'm simply at another crossroads of life that leaves a lot of time for reflections and memories and thoughts to sort through. Like I've mentioned, my summer home has an extreme lack of wi-fi or cable, and with roommates who are working long before and after me, the Lord has been giving me an abundance of quiet time. Both literally and figuratively.

Jesus has been showing me that He has intentionally placed me in this period of rest. It has been a pretty crazy year, and He is now giving me the time to do nothing but seek Him fully and purposefully. My heart belongs to no one but Him, and the biggest theme I am going to walk away from this summer will be the art of learning what it means to have eternal value. All year He has gradually reminded me that I need to remember the joy of my salvation. I want to be concerned only with the things He wants and desires of me. The battle of flesh and spirit is so strong sometimes, but I am reminded that it is the qualities of Jesus that have a lasting value.

Thus I am practicing that discipline this summer; finally surrendering things that my heart and mind have been holding onto, and letting go of the importance I have placed on so many worldly ideas. This summer is mine. I have a manageable schedule, wonderful friends, and time to actually just sit and rest.

Happy (rainy) weekend!!

(POST SCRIPT! If you haven't heard Coldplay's new single, "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall," GO, NOW.)

Oh, how nice it would be to have a room like this, wouldn't you agree? To read there, all summer long...so perfect. All it needs is a little table right next to it to hold some coffee and treats.

I am back in Rocklin, sitting at a coffee shop, feeling guilty because I didn't can't buy anything, yet I am using the wi-fi relentlessly. I did get my first paycheck today though, and I would be lying if I said I didn't legitimately smile when I saw that it had been deposited. It wasn't for a lot, but when you have nothing, everything is a lot, and I am happy.

Lifeguard training continues tomorrow, and the schedule tells me that Shadow Guarding begins Sunday....I hope I'm ready! It's both nerve-wracking and exciting. Sometimes I ask myself why I chose a job where people's lives are at stake and I am responsible...

It's going to be great though, and I really can't wait.

Today is the lovely Rachel's birthday, so we'll see what festivities that brings on tonight!

Here's to a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!

Being home in our new kitchen (although not fully finished) has had both my mom and me cooking and baking nonstop. I had been craving chocolate-chip pancakes since I had them at my family's house in Portland over choir tour, but since we were out of eggs yesterday, fate had me wait until today to make them.

Granted, there is always something that goes wrong, and this morning it was an extreme lack of buttermilk. If you ever run into this problem, fear not! An easy substitute is to mix one tablespoon white distilled vinegar with one cup milk (this counts as 1 cup of buttermilk). Of course it's never ideal to have to substitute key ingredients, but it gets the job done!

Recipe from none other than Cooking Light.

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups low-fat buttermilk (*So if you don't have any, like me, this would be 1 TBS vinegar and up to the 1 and 1/2 cup line of milk)
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 1 large egg
• 1 large egg white
• Cooking spray
• 3/4 cup maple syrup
• 3 tablespoons butter

Preparation

• Lightly spoon flours into dry measuring cups; level with a knife. Combine flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl, stirring with a whisk. Combine buttermilk, oil, egg, and egg white, stirring with a whisk; add to flour mixture, stirring just until moist.
• Heat a nonstick griddle or nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray over medium heat. Spoon about 1/4 cup batter per pancake onto griddle. Turn pancakes over when tops are covered with bubbles and edges look cooked. Serve with syrup and butter.

**I also added 1 TBS cocoa powder, a helping of chocolate chips, and then for the final product I sliced fresh strawberries with light powdered sugar on top. Another great option I tried was one half of a sliced banana on top, drizzled with maple syrup. It was to die for.
**Note, although they weren't as moist (ah I said moist!!!) as they would have been with the real buttermilk, I found that I didn't feel half as lethargic after eating them. You know, the Oh my goodness, I have three pancakes sitting in my stomach now feeling.

(Sorry for lack of quality in pictures, too. My phone's camera is all I have currently...RIP digital Sony from eighth grade..)

 Enjoy!!

 

Okay, so I've been super lucky with getting another free and legal and awesome music download! This band's album was just released yesterday, and I found out about them from various people from Metro! One of the band members is the son of our pastor, and last night I found out via Twitter that they were performing on JKL, so I tuned in! Their music is fantastic and is immediately being added to my summer playlist! Here is the download from iTunes! (And don't hesitate to buy the album in its entirety, I might add).

In other news, today has been the epitome of a perfect summer day. Both yesterday and today I have woken up late, lazily made breakfast, and ventured out to the backyard to enjoy it. This morning I had my coffee and my journal, and I simply sat, reflected, and wrote. There are few things that make me happier than doing just that. The perfect weather was a huge contributing factor as well.

Tomorrow I will leave my beautiful home in Lodi and head back to my home in Rocklin, and I can't wait to be with the lovely girls in my apartment once more! We unfortunately (and fortunately, actually) don't have wi-fi though, so I will be doing all my future blogging from local coffee shops that provide such services. I guess that isn't the worse thing that could happen. ;)

Happy Tuesday!

 

Two (legal) free downloads from the two albums that will be filling my ears this summer!

Fleet Foxes: "Helplessness Blues"

Bon Iver: "Calgary"

Enjoy, my friends!

*(edit! I was notified that the link for Bon Iver was wrong, but it is now corrected! Sorry about that!)

 FYI:
There is so much I want to do with this blog right now. I am in a crazy reflective mood and have an insatiable desire to write, but then I also feel like I am rambling uncontrollably so writing would be counterproductive and confusing, so then I also want to wait to even post an entry because I want it to be fancy and well-thought-out with beautiful pictures (of food) so needless to say here I am anyway, ready to fill you in on life. Perfect. (I did warn you, didn't I?) 

Summer has arrived, and how different it will be than the previous! I am living in an apartment up the street from school with 5 other lovely girls, I will be guarding the lives of swimming kiddies and adults and preteens alike for City of Roseville, and most importantly, there will be plenty of time for reading, cooking, and relaxing in this no school period of life. Remember that one time I took pre-calculus over summer? To say that I am happy I have zero academic obligations for the next 3 months is an understatement. A time of detox will be so nice and so necessary in order to prepare for my 19-unit semester in the fall (double-majors everywhere unite)!

Thus, during this period of half-relaxation, half-productivity (in the form of getting tan, saving lives, and making some green) there must be a list. You know the kind...

the list (for now):

• do not get sunburned even once. my allotted amount of skin-crispiness and total-fryage happened during training in April... never. again.
• read way more than I did last summer. off to a good start with The Wayward Bus by Steinbeck. 
• attend yoga at least twice a week; be able to hold crow for a whole minute
• spend a night outside and not care if the dew is soaking my pillow come morning
• clean out the uncontrollable mass of matter that is my wardrobe
• discover a new coffee shop and stay there all day (splitting time between reading and people-watching, obviously)
• buy the new fleet foxes and bon iver albums...actually buy them...hard copy form, aka a CD
• research food-critic jobs, magazine writing, health articles, etc like crazy
• walk to save gas and for enjoyment as much as possible
• blog, blog, blog
• most important: discover Jesus more intimately and wholly than ever before. this summer is the absolute perfect time to lay before Him all I need to surrender and to practice quietness in His presence (note: this can only be done with a fresh cup of coffee, a journal, a pen, and plenty of sunshine). 

and just some items to be looking forward to:

• brother and Caitlin's wedding in 35 days (and bridal parties and bridesmaid luncheons and rehearsal dinners and the works beforehand)
• my first paycheck; it's a BD
• cooking a full, delicious dinner in the apartment, complete with dessert
• DINKEY CREEK
• DINKEY CREEK
• DINKEY CREEK

Be back tomorrow! Goodnight all :)

PRE-ENTRY NOTE:

 

(this means a real entry will be following shortly, so stand-by)

 

I am no longer stressed, as I so sorely left you in the last two entries. Thought I would get that out there now. It is summer, life is lovely, and I can't wait to blog obnoxiously for the next three months.

 

Consider this your warning.  

This is probably the most blatantly candid I will ever be on this blog, but writing is the only way I can process.

I am on the verge of tears as I sit here, typing away as if I do not have a million other tasks to be completing. Stress has stayed consistent since last week, but it seems that the expectations only continue to rise, making stress consequently do the same. I've finally had a chance to write in my prayer journal, and while the presence of the Lord always seems to make those brimming tears overflow, He is also very quick to wipe them dry. At this point, the amount and level of 'stuff' I have going on until spring break is no longer able to be amounted into words. But, this shouldn't mean I allow it to take over me and stop trusting in the One who knows I am going to make it through just fine. And yes, more than fine.

The Lord, now that I think about it, has been teaching me a lot about trust, but I didn't realize until now that there are many different facets to trust. I've learned to surrender a certain areas to Him, and am now at complete peace with those, but He is currently drilling it into me what it means to trust in Him in times like this; where I simply have an overload of work to complete but not nearly enough time to complete it. I need to trust that this period of craziness in scheduling is merely that; a period. It is not going to last forever and I will not die as the result of it.

Not only do I thus need to be diligent in my time usage, I also need to be joyful and thankful throughout. Shocking, I know, that the Lord wants us to be joyful during times of hardship, but He does. My attitude has suffered so badly this last week, worse than it has in a very long time, and that was such a sour reminder of how my character was before Jesus saved me from it. Attitude determines almost everything, but it effects absolutely everything. There is no point in being stressed AND having a terrible attitude AND complaining all the time AND wasting time dwelling on these burdens. Being stressed takes up enough energy, there is no room to add in all the others! The rest of my energy needs to go straight to the Lord, being thankful and content in Him and sure of His strength.

It is all too easy to let stress control us and then forget that we have an Orchestrator above us who is already piecing everything together. Okay, Lord, trusting in You round two has been in full swing for about a week now, thanks for letting me see what You were doing prior to total self-destruction. ;)

One day task at a time. Today, I must dig into this piano lesson. I will then grab my things, and head straight to life-guarding training where I will be until 8:30p.m. There I will be confident, alert, and excited to learn! (Which actually isn't too hard!) Then I will come back, work on ear training, and get to bed in time for a solid 9 hours of sleep. (Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and had no trouble sleeping the entire night...goodness)

My goal is to make it to Friday this week...Friday will meet me with a day off from training and a date with my mother.

That is something to be thankful for.

<3

(the picture? well...it just can't help but make me smile...that elephant is stoooooked)